You described this subtle process so eloquently 😊 I completely recognize that desire to feel the closeness to someone, up to the point you decide to let go of your own preferences. Only to learn later on that in losing the small things of yourself, you were also losing the big things.
I am slowly learning that this process doesn’t only require one person though, it involves both of them. Most of the times both partners participate without understanding completely what’s happening, but it is still very important to acknowledge it is not just your ‘flaw’. It is a dynamic that you’ve created together.
Thank you, Sonia. What you said about losing the small things and eventually losing the big things really stayed with me. That is exactly what frightened me about this process: it rarely begins with some dramatic act of self-abandonment. It can start with something as ordinary as a restaurant choice or a dress, until one day the relationship has quietly organized itself around the edited version of you.
And I really appreciate the distinction you made about the dynamic involving both people. I wrote this piece from inside the person who keeps adjusting, so most of the attention stays there, but I agree that these patterns can become relational without either person fully realizing it. One person anticipates and adapts; the other slowly grows accustomed to what is being offered. No one has to consciously ask for your disappearance for the disappearance to become part of the relationship. I think that is what makes it so difficult to notice—and so important to name. Thank you for adding that layer so thoughtfully. 🫶
You described this subtle process so eloquently 😊 I completely recognize that desire to feel the closeness to someone, up to the point you decide to let go of your own preferences. Only to learn later on that in losing the small things of yourself, you were also losing the big things.
I am slowly learning that this process doesn’t only require one person though, it involves both of them. Most of the times both partners participate without understanding completely what’s happening, but it is still very important to acknowledge it is not just your ‘flaw’. It is a dynamic that you’ve created together.
Thank you, Sonia. What you said about losing the small things and eventually losing the big things really stayed with me. That is exactly what frightened me about this process: it rarely begins with some dramatic act of self-abandonment. It can start with something as ordinary as a restaurant choice or a dress, until one day the relationship has quietly organized itself around the edited version of you.
And I really appreciate the distinction you made about the dynamic involving both people. I wrote this piece from inside the person who keeps adjusting, so most of the attention stays there, but I agree that these patterns can become relational without either person fully realizing it. One person anticipates and adapts; the other slowly grows accustomed to what is being offered. No one has to consciously ask for your disappearance for the disappearance to become part of the relationship. I think that is what makes it so difficult to notice—and so important to name. Thank you for adding that layer so thoughtfully. 🫶